One day at a time.

I am not depressed.

I said that to myself everyday for 9 years when i woke up act strong all day for him, the twins, the baby maybe even for me, but is still cried myself to sleep every single night, as soon as he got off me, and fell asleep i would push my face against the pillow and cry until i the tears stop or fell asleep, then one day i found this poem, i still dont know who wrote it but it change me.

"The worst about crying
is that your nose is blocked
or that is night time
and you are scared of being heard
trying to keep it quiet
your soul is drowning
then with your soul drowned
your body sleeps
with irritated hands
and a darkness
pierced in the throat.
At morning your eyes burn
and everything passed
then you cry for joy
or sometimes relief
(that is a little bit better)"

He was the perfect boyfriend, took care of me, would listened and be romantic, it was always avail for me when i needed him, regardless of time or day. Supported me every way he could, when my mother told me i couldn't see him anymore i felt my entire world tremble. I was only 14 but he was the one good thing that i had back then, after everything going so bad for so long. I could not bear the idea of being without him, so i had to find a way to stay with him, and i did... We got married.

During the wedding i was ok with the decision made, it was until the time to sign the papers that my mind kept saying "dont do it!" "you will regret this decision" "even Jako told you not to" "PLEASE DO NOT SIGN" it was already to late i had sign the 4 papers and i was legally married. It was so weird the first time i went to places without telling my parents about it, where i was going or what was i doing, or even when id be back home.

Everything went bad the first time after married that i went to see my mother, took me half hour more than i said it would and he got so mad at me, how do i dare
to take so much time visiting my mother? didn't i hated her and wanted to leave her house, why did i wanted to be with her now? At this point i had no other friends than his friends.

It didn't got better after i got pregnant, or after the twins where born.

I told myself every day i made a decision wasn't a mistake if i didn't regret it, and i had to do my best to make that decision the best i ever made, and stick to my word of love him forever, is needles to say those where not the right reasons to be with him, specially not to stay for so long.

Tibia, what a stupid game, saved my life. The people i met there the friends that i made, the way they didn't judge me and how they saw me for who i was not a mom, or a wife just me it saved me. Went from crying every night to not sleep at all, or to sleep once my eyes where so tired of the screen, it was my escape my reality where i wanted to be. I am not going to lie, i did feed my kids and have them shower and sleep but i was a crappy mother for a while, the house was dirty almost never did laundry cared more about that virtual reality that i wanted to be mine so bad, because my life was this big mess i didn't know how to fix or make better, until one day i had to stop.






I LOVE MY TWINS SO BAD


 I needed somewhere something that it was mine, not to share with them not to have them there, something where i could be just Laura, and Tibia was exactly that, it was where my opinion mattered where people listened to what i had to say and nobody was my responsibility, i would receive so many compliments and have people wanting to be with me and do things with me and take care of me, when in real life it was just yelling at me i wasn't a good mother or wife, i was fat and ugly and didn't took care of the house, have sex every night even when i didn't wanted or pretend that i was sleeping, crying would turn him on even more. Tibia had to stop, but how could i renounce to my happy place where my real life was this bad, it is true other people may had it worst than me, i was maybe just slap a couple times never had my head crack open or any broken rib due the beating, emotionally abused can be as bad.

After years of my mother begging me to leave him, one day i woke up and just knew i didn't love him anymore. But it wasn't until the day the twins told me they wanted me to live in Monterrey and their daddy to live in Montemorelos that i understood this wasn't hurting only me anymore, and only after i got to comprehend this i was able to leave him for good.

I can only wish i had done it sooner.

I am not depressed and i never have, i am tired of life? YES i am, but not because i do not want to live anymore, or because so much bad shit has happen that is just exhausting to do the most easy thing for most people, i am TIRED of wanting to make my mother happy, after being so ungrateful, my dad proud, after being the biggest disappointment of his life, my kids healthy secure of themselves and raised to be good people, after me myself i'm not sure of how good of a good person i am, wanting to make my fiance happy so he doesn't have to be depressed or anxious anymore, after all he has suffer before meeting me, hoping that i am such a good friend as the ones i currently have, and that they wont leave me like the ones that came before, i am tired of trying to be everything everyone need, but specially i am tired of FAILING AT IT.

I am not depressed and i know this because if i was i would have stop trying or caring.

I just want to find the balance so i can be the person i really want to be, and then be able to make all the people i care about understand how much i care and love them, and maybe then i would be able to more than understand feel the love that i know they have for me.

Again and again

We fought again.

This time you did broke up with me when i told you how i felt, told me that we were done and you would not hurt me anymore, as i read that message i felt my whole world coming down, the strength leaving my body, and the sorrow of knowing i might lose you this time. I begged you once again to forgive me and explained that not because i feel on a certain way right now means i dont want to be with you, told you it hurts more the thought of not having you in my life anymore and that i needed yo to stay with me. So i asked if you loved me, answer was yes.

Sunday

Trying to find myself inspired i want to write about a couple of my friends with great stories to tell but haven't been able to find the wright angle, so i decide to take a break. Put the music on and suddenly something comes to me just dancing at the rhythm of "Take me to church" i can see myself, dancing for my fiance in the most dirty way i can imagine, then i have an urgency not for his body or mine, not for sex, but to do something so i go to the case of bullets where i keep the pictures of my family, and just trow them in the floor, sit in there with all of them scattered around me, and start choosing the ones, go to the drawer find the silicon gun, pick a spot in the wall and start putting them one by one, pictures of me pregnant, when the twins where born, after the hospital baby pictures everywhere, when i'm going to start putting the ones of us, including the ones where i use to be very skinny, so i may get some inspiration out of see myself like that and maybe pay attention to my diet, when i realize i got no more silicon. so i put the rest of the pictures away for now, and go back to the computer.

I was able to start writing this time about her, talking to my male best friend, and writing I am  not in the zone, but close to it, I say too much and want it to be more than one entry at the time, so i can publish this, is not convincing and definitely not nearly as dramatic as it has to be. 

Change the movie on Netflix and try to find something better, nothing makes me happy, music wont do it now, so i decide to go to sleep, after sending the stupid email, where i pour my feelings out, only to realize  i didn't put the right kind of thought on it, and to wish i could delete it. 

Wake up really early is weird because i didn't went to bed until like four am, but I'm ok with this, get up in underwear go take a piss as every morning a cup of water, i want coffee but don't really want to get dress, and going to the backyard where people can see me from outside in underwear is not the best thing to do. I open the door of my room, and is raining a little bit, although i love rain, i hope it goes away i wanted to do some laundry today. I go back to the bed, to the computer and check my page, OMG i got 100 views in one of my posts! i am so excited right now i wanna tell him, even tho he doesn't give a f*** about my blog, so i text him, he surprisingly congratulates me. 

The promise of a good Sunday is in the air. 

I ask him if would be ok to call him, he says is ok, so i rush to video call him... no answer he says he is playing PS4 so wont be holding the phone and neither of us will be watching the other so is better a normal call, so i call him i don't care just listening to his voice is magic for me. We have a bit of troubles because the mic of my computer doesn't work properly so i go ahead and grab the phone to call him from there, his dad is now home, and he has to get ready for work. The echo of the bit that we were able to talk still sounds in my head i am happy anyway.

My friends are not happy with him, both of them believe i deserve more attention and he mistreats me, they don't understand, i agree not talk to them about him anymore, Sunday you promised to be good! Feel the tear going down my cheek i don't have anybody to talk about my things, he is not as bad as they may believe but it is my fault they feel like that, and yes i wont talk to them about him anymore but why cant i have someone to talk about anything at anytime? 

It just doesn't work like that not for me anyway, for me it means i have to suck it up and grow up and understand that if i am going to accept the way he is, i cant complain about it because i am choosing to stay, and i do believe is worth it just wish i had someone that could understand.

Your profile picture is not longer the same one, you changed it for one with your brother, sister and you and i am happy at least now you can do this, I've been talking to your mom, and i got the cutest baby picture of you, i really hope our babies look like you. I asked her for permission to marry you in the date you choose, she is ok with it, I needed to make sure she will after all the biggest lost was hers and wouldn't want to take anything from her, or without her approval.

Spend most of the day talking to you, your uncle, your mom, going trough pictures and figuring how i will go to the next step with my blog, i really want it to work i really hope my ideas are good enough. I will write about my friends, and about me, I'm sure someone will be interested, and i can only hope our stories are worth something to someone else that can relate and understand they are not alone. 

Headache has been following me for about three hours now. Sunday you didn't kept your promise.

Alone with someone

Since i was little i always hated to be alone, there is nothing wrong with it, i just hate it feels like if you are alone nobody cares, they don't notice if you are sad, happy, angry, needing a hug or simply a talk.

Growing up i was always scared of loneliness and even when i had so many friend i never felt anything other than that, i was always alone. And it was so sad the fact of having so many people around me, and none of them could make me feel good about anything, never good enough, pretty smart or even funny. Got married looking for the company and divorced because i couldn't find it. Met strangers online and in real life that make me feel not so alone anymore for a little while, but then it was just worst than at the beginning, never good at being by myself i figured that because was the worst thing for me,
it also was what i was destined to be.

Then one day there is this person that comes to my life, feeling the same way i was and i can understand how it is, and i  don't feel lonely anymore treasuring this person that saved me from my loneliness is the easier thing to do in the whole world. Could be why i fell in love with him. Then more people came around and i went to the point where i have what i always dreamed of. I can be alone with someone, whenever i need to be alone knowing that i have people that care about me, my life, that don't mind all the things that are wrong, and appreciate the ones that are good. I don't have to be scared anymore because i have them. And even now when i need to be alone i learned i like better being alone with someone. Sitting in the edge of my bed, or a bench in the park next to someone i love and cares for me, i don't have to say nothing they still will know if i need that hug, and then i can be alone, but never really alone.

At least until i find the way to make them go away, so far feels like they will stay.