I was in love once before, when i was with him, felt secure, loved, wanted, but i also felt ugly, scared and useless.

He could make my day go smooth one day, and the next make it last a year, he made me feel i was flying in the sky only to drawn me into the deepest sea, gave me the happiest day of my life only to turn it into the most dirty transaction, understood where i was coming from and where i was heading, only to stop me even worst didn't accepted who i was and made me change the best things about me, only to yell at me later that i wasn't the person he fell for.

Made me a woman and then cheated on me making me feel like a little girl again, made me a wife and got mad at me cause i wasn't the perfect Donna Reed he wanted me to be.

Promised it would never hurt me, but nobody ever hurt me more, he learned how I was the way I move when i lie, and what make me smile, he learned the things I loved and the ones I hated, he made me grow to be the person I am today, didn't know lust until I met that boy, didn't knew  that "butterflies revolving in my stomach" feeling until I met that boy, I was fearless when I met him, When I marry that boy, I learned what abuse, regrets and mistakes actually are then I learned how it feels when you are being brainwashed and how it feels when somebody takes everything that makes you be you, and turns it into something bad that you have to absolutely get rid off, cause that person is not good enough, learned that I wasn't smart, or pretty or witty and even more that I didn't deserve anything that I had, I met with a hunger that I never had before and a craving that i never expected to crave.

Nothing that I did was ever good enough.

But hey he wasn't a bad guy after all, he saved me, he gave me light when I thought id never see it again, I didn't stop loving him cause of the abuse or the cheating, I only stop loving him when I learned to love myself first, when I had the courage to see why he was so scared of me knowing how great I was and how much of a better person, then I stop loving him.

I promised myself id never love again like that, I told myself it will always love me first so I can love you, i promised to myself that I would do good for me and my family, that if I ever married again it would be for money or commodity, that I would lose all the weight I gained with my pregnancy, that I would be more girly, that I would be everything he wanted me to be the whole time, but I would be all of that for myself, not for him, how he dares try to change me?

didn't become a better person after I left him, I drank myself to sleep every day for 8 months first thing I did at wake up go to the freezer and get my tequila, (what a cliche) and I wouldn't stop drinking till I passed out drunk id still go to work? Of course I did, id take my Irish coffee with me at all times, I overworked never spend time with the kids, or the family at all for that matter, re-encounter with my friend from middle school and started going out with them they kept saying I brought them together and that I was the glue for our friendship, but honestly I wasn't i was a drunk I was so full of shit, that I needed distraction and they did to, I made the good friend the one always avail for them, the supportive one, the one to be trusted, until one day I was the one needing support and i was told that they couldn't be bothered dealing with my depression. Fuck at that point I was contemplating just stop breathing altogether. So how leaving him made me stronger, or happier? It didn't if anything took away the one person to be blamed for all the things I couldn't say or do.

When I was growing up I had this idea of romance that kind of romance that just certain kids movies can make you believe on, I met a boy and I liked this boy, he liked my best friend, and is a girl rule, u cannot like the same boy that your friend like. But nobody will ever understand how much I loved this boy, it was the first time, I really wanted to be pretty and i wanted to be smart and funny, and like any cliche movie I would tease him so much so he wouldn't know I liked him, pages and pages of my journal where use to spell his name and my name and to explain how cute he was and how much I wish my friend wasn't in the middle so I could be with him.

My first boyfriend, we never hold hands we never went on a date or even told anybody, I was in sixth grade so was he, I lived in a different city and id go to his town every weekend to visit my grandma, I stole his hat he kissed me under the rain. I never saw him again.

He was six years older than me, I was only twelve, now I realize how much he most of like me to risk getting into jail just for dating me. I met him at my friends house, she was older but not so much, he wasn't the cutest one, I actually liked his friend for a while, but he already had someone after a while he kept trying to get my attention, and finally did it, I couldn't believe that a real man wanted to be with me, the idea of sex wasn't new for me, of course I was a child and had the intention of stay one, but I knew at some point he would try something and if he got mad at me or not would tell me if he was the one for me. He thought me what those tickles that you feel when you are kissing somebody for a while, made me feel this in my stomach that was never there before, and never not even once tried to do something with me that was more than that, respected me the whole time, I've heard he still remembers me with love as I remember him like the one that taught me what the love should look like and that respect is an important part of any relationship.

And I can continue listing each time that I was in love and how I learned from them but what is the point when all I need to say is.

I was in love before, and I was hurt before too, I never felt one thing without the other, they were always companions, if one came the other one would as well, so I stop looking for it, being in love with love, wasn't exactly the best thing for me, there are more important things to do, I need to teach my child the amazing that life can be, and be there when they get their first broken heart, but love is off the table for me now, we just don't get along, then I go into that game this afternoon, and I met you, changed my life forever, I really didn't want to love you, I really wanted just get to know you, have friends practice my English, I knew it would be helpful someday, couldn't help it, you were and still are everything I always dreamed about. And I cannot thank enough to the life, God, Karma, whoever brought you into my life, i cannot thank enough for it, right after my kids you are the best thing that happens to me.

Taught me how to be selfish and care more about me, how to protect myself and how to have fun with you, show me how being love feels like, made me laugh like a child again, and stop caring about what people said or think, make me remember how is it to be me just me nor a mom, daughter, girlfriend or wife, just me and that is the biggest gift i ever received, and i love you so much for all of this, for letting me by myself and being crazy at times with me.

Being in love then is not the same as being in love now, but sure it prepared me for you, i have a past and might not be the best past might not be the more decent or interesting one, but i promise you that because i was in love before is that i am ready now to be with you and to have a present and a future with you.

he wasn't a tyran, she wasn't a door mat

It was during the struggle of not having money to feed the kids, and not being able to clothe them that it was the most difficult times for them, a good marriage is suppose to survive the bad to enjoy the good, they didn't.

Its not that it wasn't a good marriage, it wasn't lack of love, definitely not lack of sex or communication, felt more like it wasn't meant to be, the more they fought for it, the further apart they drift from each other.

After all the fights that came with the lack of money and the cheating from his side, her heart was weak and day b day going weaker, she didn't loved him anymore, but was too scared to leave, the idea of been alone terrified her. Even more than staying with him. the abuse wasn't too bad, “I’m sure there is who has it worst than me, i earn that slap, i shouldn't have put so much salt on the food, i shouldn't have talk back at him”, she said while cleaning herself, would look at herself in the mirror only to find an empty pair of eyes that she didn't even knew anymore. And while lying in bed the man sleeping next to her wasn't anymore the one she fell in love with, not so long ago.

They were teenagers when they met and fell for each other, her family wasn't happy about it, and they decided to marry so they couldn't even separate them. What a joke, they were just kids living a fantasy, and even if she doesn't call it a mistake, she falls sleep thinking about how her life would of turn out every single day.

How often someone stays in a marriage, because of the kids, because you want to love that person again, or simply because you are use to that person and dont want to lose  that. NEVER a good idea, You have to LOVE yourself first always, and a marriage that doesn't make you happy will not make you happy next year, specially if you are the only one doing the efforts and trying to make things better.

My ring.

i left the house this morning, brushed my hair in the car, and tie the laces of my shoes while waiting for the bus, it was until i was doing nothing sitting in the bus that i realize it was gone.

Took my ring the night before to wash a shirt for kid uniform, but while doing so i was so sleepy went straight to bed, and forgot to put it back on, next morning before taking my shower i realize was gone, but forgot to put it back before leaving the house. Needless to say i felt naked all day.

It is not anymore about what the ring represents itself, is more like an extension of you but on me, hard to explain, but the feeling is there, the memory, every time i see it sitting in my finger i think of what you say, when i took it from that Christmas tree and opened the box, "Now you belong to me" i smile and went to the couch so i could kiss your pink smiley face.

The black jew.

-He is a Jew

-No he is not,

-Yes he is he told me

-hell he also said he was black and I just see him "prieto"

-and he is 24

-nah have you seen him? At least 27.

I made a bet with Marie and Jerry, ask the trainer to go to the bathroom and instead looked for you.

-let me see your ID

-no

-c'mon I need to see it~made a pouty voice and face~

- I am 24 you don't need my ID

-YES! I do let me see it.

-what is on it for me?

- you will be making me happy?

- no really what's on it for me?

- I may do something you want that is not nasty?

- ok

he handed the ID in fact he is 24 years old, his last name "Cortez" sounds very Spanish I point and ask.

-didn't you say you were a "jew"

-YES I am

- your last name doesn't agree.

(After the world war 2 the Jews that came to Mexico as refugees took names that ended in es and change the end to ez first to disguise along Mexicans second to still be able to identify themselves with other family's" he explains.)

-ok I am not satisfied nor I believe you but I've got to go.

Back at training room I confirm he is 24 and Jew, I still have my doubts but as the good friend I am I accept it since now I have new ideas to "bully" him.

At lunch time I am just talking about the so many ways you are not a jew listing them as for the regular clitches.

-your nose is not big enough, don't have curly hair, your beard is short, you don't wear the tiny hat, you are poor as fuck, don't speak Hebrew, you are a God damn regular Mexican I say.

-it is because from my mother side we are descendant of black slaves.

- yup definitely average Mexican (being that Mexicans are mix of Spanish with the Indians that where here when they came)

-no I am black from the waist down. (You said winking)

-your away, you most have a tiny one.

The brunnete

I was taking calls as usually when I saw you standing next to me, with a blank face you didn't looked like crying but I felt you were about made a gesture of give me one minute, placed myself in after call and finished my call.

-what is wrong?

-my wife has "brown hair" 

-what! 

- yah, she uses dye but keeps coming back, the hair stylist says she might be brunnete for good

Logged out of the avaya and went to the living

-Kimmy knows? How long? Which type of brunette? Will you divorce after this? 

 I hugged you and asked what would you do I was almost speechless at this point. 

-I don't know I can't divorce her like this, would be humiliatingfor her, and she is the mother of my child!

-you can absolutely divorce her if that is what will make you happy, I know is easy to say, hard to hear and impossible to do, but is not good for her you or the kid to stay together if y'all don't love each other, just support her with her condition maybe look for another expert.

-yes I know but I don't know what to do all the women in my life, have bad shit happen to them. 

Your mom never lost the baby fat and your wife turned out to be brunette 

-could be worst, she could of turn out to be vegan or enjoy CrossFit.

Your laughter between tears and the worried face you had told me you needed  his and to not leave you alone.

The three of us left at 3 pm that day.

You guys were so amazed of the way I lied to my mother, and you yes you were shocked when I told my mother "yah his wife is brunette and he can't divorce her now. "

Her answer was same as mine.

-now I understand why you are the way you are.

You were a drunken virgin, and Kimmy and i could not leave you like that, not in a day like this!
Went to the store bought beer, i didn't drink, you both did,(today is the day day you swear, you weren't drunk, and i dont think it really matters). I am not sure who decided it was hungry, so you guys went to the store to buy bread while i cooked the hamburger. Apparently Kimmy forgot how to run, in the way back home, (i was just a bit tipsy she says)
-Lets see who get there first!
-No, Kimmy...
-OUCH!!



Yes she fell at the middle of the road, with NOTHING on her way that may have caused the fall, nothing to stubble upon, nothing to trip with. When Raed ran to help her get up, his ankle said "back off bastard" as he felt how it sprained. He limped for a month but AGAIN he wasn't drunk.

So much for nothing she left you that night.

Whores

My favorite songs are always whore related, weird because I get easily offended by genres that sing about them, but my favorite songs are not as explicit is more like disguise inside the poetry of said songs so much that if you don't pay attention you miss it.

Words like " that if the son of a God once he saw her it went with her" make u think of everything but a whore, and talks about Mary Magdalene.

Melody that takes you to a sweet place to listen this love song talking about the teacher having sex with a student, or fairies at night, witches a day, that's pure art.

Empty

Some days is just too much, others i am empty.

First thing I usually do when I wake up would be grab my phone and look for messages from my fiance, usually there is none. Which in most occasions makes me sad, others I feel nothing.

When there is a message, it always makes​ my day.

I use to say I loved him too much, "if you think you love me too much, then you don't love me at all" he would say back at me. I still believe that, just don't say it anymore.

I decided not to message him until he messages me, every time I do that, there he is in the first 24 hrs always makes the rest of my week.

I'm told that I am wrong because I base my happiness in somebody else, I believe as long as I base it in the people I love and loves me back it is not wrong is optimistic.

When I think about the times when I needed somebody the most, they usually weren't there, to be fare I never asked them to be there.

Married at 15 never had the chance to get to know myself what I like and what I don't. Still empty at 27 trying to figure out what I want and what I don't, what I am good at, I do know what I suck at.

Is on of those things that backfire at you when make hard decisions as a teen, because you never all the things that you need to do. Like music, movies, angry drawings/writing. You miss out going trough the phases. Emo, country, rock, pothead, skater, popular, underdog, jog, artist, miss out on the most beautiful part of you, the only time in your life when it will be ok to be selfish, rant and whine and simply make mistakes just because you are young and still learning. So somebody lets you make the decision of having a baby or get married and automatically already skipped that place and time and have to grow up work and take care of a house and a men, babies if you are the woman. As for men you go from having mom doing everything for you to take care of the expenses and support of other people. Yes can't be selfish anymore. There is now somebody that you have to take care of, regardless of how tired you are.

The sardine bus.

If you have ever been on a bus so crowded people are standing also in the stairs, to get up then and only then you may know my frustration of today. 

After a happy day at work, yes happy and work I put them in the same sentence, yes a little bit crazy over here. Any how after a long happy day at work I left the office went to a close convenience store and got a sandwich and bottle of water, then headed to the bus stop...

Let's say I should've eaten my sandwich while I was waiting,

The bus wasn't just full it was like a freaking can of sardine's, I didn't realize until I had paid and would not bein able to get my money back, otherwise I would of waited for the next.

The bus driver kept stopping and letting people get in... He has his own seat... Ass.

As I am standing here having trouble to eat my sandwich my best friend decides to text me, that would be fine if I wasn't stupid enough to set a song as the ringtone for text messages. Not only the message came and "hedeegard" of  Luke Graham starts playing also "peces de ciudad" (city fishes) of Joaquin Sabina, stays playing, can you imagine the sound of 2 songs not only that but 2 different languages in your ears as loud as it can be, while I am holding the water bottle and pushing the fucking sandwich in my mouth all at once so I can stop, it was painfully, I DO NOT ADVISE to do this.

Anyhow bus emptied a block before my stop.

Karma! I should of give my seat to that old guy a week ago, fuck equality and femi Nazis I want to live in the 70s again (mannerly wise).

Mrs Kirby.

The first day of training she looked at me roll her eyes and i knew it right there, we would be best friends or would hate each other. The day went by and she was annoying, seemed to be funny the day of the interviews talking to her friends, why was such a pain now?

I was happy next couple of days didn't saw her, then someone said she had an accident and i could only hope she was fine, but God it was so good being there without her attitude. She came back with a bolster, by then i had already figured i would not be friends with anybody in the room, wasn't that interested anyway.

Keryme started talking to me out of nothing, went and sit with me, grabbed my notebook and start drawing a tree, I was happy of somewhat having her in my corner at same time was thinking, "great she can draw too." Wasn't just good at all the things i thought i was good at, also in the ones i always wanted to be and never could. Being mean and rude, speaking her mind she had made maybe not friends but people liked her, all i did was be nice to everyone and they all hated me. This is everything is wrong in this world right here in this room i thought.

She would not stop talking to me, and i am way too nice to be rude at her so we spend allot of time together, honestly is the last thing i want but at same time, i hate being on my own so... She is not so bad, so i add her to Facebook, big mistake. It makes me think about the days when I use to play online and so many guys would look for my approval, again she is so much better than me at everything... One afternoon going through my wall, what is this? She posted a picture of random conversation with a guy offering to buy her a car, if she goes out with him, and it says "some people just try too hard" out of nothing it pisses me off, whether is true or not if you are having a conversation with someone, just dont go and post it where everyone will see it, what if did the same to you? Would you find it funny then?


There is times when as much as it annoys me can be funny, Ernesto has a thing for her and her Asian looking kid, she keeps saying "moshi moshi" and makes this silly face where she says it and sort of keeps air inside her mouth making her cheeks look like little balloons with her hands near her chin, it looks so cute when she does that, she reminds me of Kirby, we had to go for a break and i told her in the elevator she looked like Kirby and her new name would be Mses Kirby, she got angry at me because apparently she hates pink which she has say before in the room and she feels he is really fat, "too bad" i said i think he is cute and you look like it when doing that noise and making that face so i shall call you Mrs Kirby till i get tired of it "ok ma'am" touche bitch, game on i said to myself.

I think it is more than i need to say, that this wont be the only entry about the now so called "my best friend", it is a funny story too long to tell at once, so keep reading i promise she will make you fall for her, because as i tell everyone in our life, she has the sleeping beauty curse burden, with the irony she has insomnia.




 

One day at a time.

I am not depressed.

I said that to myself everyday for 9 years when i woke up act strong all day for him, the twins, the baby maybe even for me, but is still cried myself to sleep every single night, as soon as he got off me, and fell asleep i would push my face against the pillow and cry until i the tears stop or fell asleep, then one day i found this poem, i still dont know who wrote it but it change me.

"The worst about crying
is that your nose is blocked
or that is night time
and you are scared of being heard
trying to keep it quiet
your soul is drowning
then with your soul drowned
your body sleeps
with irritated hands
and a darkness
pierced in the throat.
At morning your eyes burn
and everything passed
then you cry for joy
or sometimes relief
(that is a little bit better)"

He was the perfect boyfriend, took care of me, would listened and be romantic, it was always avail for me when i needed him, regardless of time or day. Supported me every way he could, when my mother told me i couldn't see him anymore i felt my entire world tremble. I was only 14 but he was the one good thing that i had back then, after everything going so bad for so long. I could not bear the idea of being without him, so i had to find a way to stay with him, and i did... We got married.

During the wedding i was ok with the decision made, it was until the time to sign the papers that my mind kept saying "dont do it!" "you will regret this decision" "even Jako told you not to" "PLEASE DO NOT SIGN" it was already to late i had sign the 4 papers and i was legally married. It was so weird the first time i went to places without telling my parents about it, where i was going or what was i doing, or even when id be back home.

Everything went bad the first time after married that i went to see my mother, took me half hour more than i said it would and he got so mad at me, how do i dare
to take so much time visiting my mother? didn't i hated her and wanted to leave her house, why did i wanted to be with her now? At this point i had no other friends than his friends.

It didn't got better after i got pregnant, or after the twins where born.

I told myself every day i made a decision wasn't a mistake if i didn't regret it, and i had to do my best to make that decision the best i ever made, and stick to my word of love him forever, is needles to say those where not the right reasons to be with him, specially not to stay for so long.

Tibia, what a stupid game, saved my life. The people i met there the friends that i made, the way they didn't judge me and how they saw me for who i was not a mom, or a wife just me it saved me. Went from crying every night to not sleep at all, or to sleep once my eyes where so tired of the screen, it was my escape my reality where i wanted to be. I am not going to lie, i did feed my kids and have them shower and sleep but i was a crappy mother for a while, the house was dirty almost never did laundry cared more about that virtual reality that i wanted to be mine so bad, because my life was this big mess i didn't know how to fix or make better, until one day i had to stop.






I LOVE MY TWINS SO BAD


 I needed somewhere something that it was mine, not to share with them not to have them there, something where i could be just Laura, and Tibia was exactly that, it was where my opinion mattered where people listened to what i had to say and nobody was my responsibility, i would receive so many compliments and have people wanting to be with me and do things with me and take care of me, when in real life it was just yelling at me i wasn't a good mother or wife, i was fat and ugly and didn't took care of the house, have sex every night even when i didn't wanted or pretend that i was sleeping, crying would turn him on even more. Tibia had to stop, but how could i renounce to my happy place where my real life was this bad, it is true other people may had it worst than me, i was maybe just slap a couple times never had my head crack open or any broken rib due the beating, emotionally abused can be as bad.

After years of my mother begging me to leave him, one day i woke up and just knew i didn't love him anymore. But it wasn't until the day the twins told me they wanted me to live in Monterrey and their daddy to live in Montemorelos that i understood this wasn't hurting only me anymore, and only after i got to comprehend this i was able to leave him for good.

I can only wish i had done it sooner.

I am not depressed and i never have, i am tired of life? YES i am, but not because i do not want to live anymore, or because so much bad shit has happen that is just exhausting to do the most easy thing for most people, i am TIRED of wanting to make my mother happy, after being so ungrateful, my dad proud, after being the biggest disappointment of his life, my kids healthy secure of themselves and raised to be good people, after me myself i'm not sure of how good of a good person i am, wanting to make my fiance happy so he doesn't have to be depressed or anxious anymore, after all he has suffer before meeting me, hoping that i am such a good friend as the ones i currently have, and that they wont leave me like the ones that came before, i am tired of trying to be everything everyone need, but specially i am tired of FAILING AT IT.

I am not depressed and i know this because if i was i would have stop trying or caring.

I just want to find the balance so i can be the person i really want to be, and then be able to make all the people i care about understand how much i care and love them, and maybe then i would be able to more than understand feel the love that i know they have for me.

Again and again

We fought again.

This time you did broke up with me when i told you how i felt, told me that we were done and you would not hurt me anymore, as i read that message i felt my whole world coming down, the strength leaving my body, and the sorrow of knowing i might lose you this time. I begged you once again to forgive me and explained that not because i feel on a certain way right now means i dont want to be with you, told you it hurts more the thought of not having you in my life anymore and that i needed yo to stay with me. So i asked if you loved me, answer was yes.

Sunday

Trying to find myself inspired i want to write about a couple of my friends with great stories to tell but haven't been able to find the wright angle, so i decide to take a break. Put the music on and suddenly something comes to me just dancing at the rhythm of "Take me to church" i can see myself, dancing for my fiance in the most dirty way i can imagine, then i have an urgency not for his body or mine, not for sex, but to do something so i go to the case of bullets where i keep the pictures of my family, and just trow them in the floor, sit in there with all of them scattered around me, and start choosing the ones, go to the drawer find the silicon gun, pick a spot in the wall and start putting them one by one, pictures of me pregnant, when the twins where born, after the hospital baby pictures everywhere, when i'm going to start putting the ones of us, including the ones where i use to be very skinny, so i may get some inspiration out of see myself like that and maybe pay attention to my diet, when i realize i got no more silicon. so i put the rest of the pictures away for now, and go back to the computer.

I was able to start writing this time about her, talking to my male best friend, and writing I am  not in the zone, but close to it, I say too much and want it to be more than one entry at the time, so i can publish this, is not convincing and definitely not nearly as dramatic as it has to be. 

Change the movie on Netflix and try to find something better, nothing makes me happy, music wont do it now, so i decide to go to sleep, after sending the stupid email, where i pour my feelings out, only to realize  i didn't put the right kind of thought on it, and to wish i could delete it. 

Wake up really early is weird because i didn't went to bed until like four am, but I'm ok with this, get up in underwear go take a piss as every morning a cup of water, i want coffee but don't really want to get dress, and going to the backyard where people can see me from outside in underwear is not the best thing to do. I open the door of my room, and is raining a little bit, although i love rain, i hope it goes away i wanted to do some laundry today. I go back to the bed, to the computer and check my page, OMG i got 100 views in one of my posts! i am so excited right now i wanna tell him, even tho he doesn't give a f*** about my blog, so i text him, he surprisingly congratulates me. 

The promise of a good Sunday is in the air. 

I ask him if would be ok to call him, he says is ok, so i rush to video call him... no answer he says he is playing PS4 so wont be holding the phone and neither of us will be watching the other so is better a normal call, so i call him i don't care just listening to his voice is magic for me. We have a bit of troubles because the mic of my computer doesn't work properly so i go ahead and grab the phone to call him from there, his dad is now home, and he has to get ready for work. The echo of the bit that we were able to talk still sounds in my head i am happy anyway.

My friends are not happy with him, both of them believe i deserve more attention and he mistreats me, they don't understand, i agree not talk to them about him anymore, Sunday you promised to be good! Feel the tear going down my cheek i don't have anybody to talk about my things, he is not as bad as they may believe but it is my fault they feel like that, and yes i wont talk to them about him anymore but why cant i have someone to talk about anything at anytime? 

It just doesn't work like that not for me anyway, for me it means i have to suck it up and grow up and understand that if i am going to accept the way he is, i cant complain about it because i am choosing to stay, and i do believe is worth it just wish i had someone that could understand.

Your profile picture is not longer the same one, you changed it for one with your brother, sister and you and i am happy at least now you can do this, I've been talking to your mom, and i got the cutest baby picture of you, i really hope our babies look like you. I asked her for permission to marry you in the date you choose, she is ok with it, I needed to make sure she will after all the biggest lost was hers and wouldn't want to take anything from her, or without her approval.

Spend most of the day talking to you, your uncle, your mom, going trough pictures and figuring how i will go to the next step with my blog, i really want it to work i really hope my ideas are good enough. I will write about my friends, and about me, I'm sure someone will be interested, and i can only hope our stories are worth something to someone else that can relate and understand they are not alone. 

Headache has been following me for about three hours now. Sunday you didn't kept your promise.

Alone with someone

Since i was little i always hated to be alone, there is nothing wrong with it, i just hate it feels like if you are alone nobody cares, they don't notice if you are sad, happy, angry, needing a hug or simply a talk.

Growing up i was always scared of loneliness and even when i had so many friend i never felt anything other than that, i was always alone. And it was so sad the fact of having so many people around me, and none of them could make me feel good about anything, never good enough, pretty smart or even funny. Got married looking for the company and divorced because i couldn't find it. Met strangers online and in real life that make me feel not so alone anymore for a little while, but then it was just worst than at the beginning, never good at being by myself i figured that because was the worst thing for me,
it also was what i was destined to be.

Then one day there is this person that comes to my life, feeling the same way i was and i can understand how it is, and i  don't feel lonely anymore treasuring this person that saved me from my loneliness is the easier thing to do in the whole world. Could be why i fell in love with him. Then more people came around and i went to the point where i have what i always dreamed of. I can be alone with someone, whenever i need to be alone knowing that i have people that care about me, my life, that don't mind all the things that are wrong, and appreciate the ones that are good. I don't have to be scared anymore because i have them. And even now when i need to be alone i learned i like better being alone with someone. Sitting in the edge of my bed, or a bench in the park next to someone i love and cares for me, i don't have to say nothing they still will know if i need that hug, and then i can be alone, but never really alone.

At least until i find the way to make them go away, so far feels like they will stay.