Tuesday, August 1, 2017

I was in love once before, when i was with him, felt secure, loved, wanted, but i also felt ugly, scared and useless.
He could make my day go smooth one day, and the next make it last a year, he made me feel i was flying in the sky only to drawn me into the deepest sea, gave me the happiest day of my life only to turn it into the most dirty transaction, understood where i was coming from and where i was heading, only to stop me even worst didn't accepted who i was and made me change the best things about me, only to yell at me later that i wasn't the person he fell for.
Made me a woman and then cheated on me making me feel like a little girl again, made me a wife and got mad at me cause i wasn't the perfect Donna Reed he wanted me to be.
Promised it would never hurt me, but nobody ever hurt me more, he learned how I was the way I move when i lie, and what make me smile, he learned the things I loved and the ones I hated, he made me grow to be the person I am today, didn't know lust until I met that boy, didn't knew  that "butterflies revolving in my stomach" feeling until I met that boy, I was fearless when I met him, When I marry that boy, I learned what abuse, regrets and mistakes actually are then I learned how it feels when you are being brainwashed and how it feels when somebody takes everything that makes you be you, and turns it into something bad that you have to absolutely get rid off, cause that person is not good enough, learned that I wasn't smart, or pretty or witty and even more that I didn't deserve anything that I had, I met with a hunger that I never had before and a craving that i never expected to crave.
Nothing that I did was ever good enough.
But hey he wasn't a bad guy after all, he saved me, he gave me light when I thought id never see it again, I didn't stop loving him cause of the abuse or the cheating, I only stop loving him when I learned to love myself first, when I had the courage to see why he was so scared of me knowing how great I was and how much of a better person, then I stop loving him.
I promised myself id never love again like that, I told myself it will always love me first so I can love you, i promised to myself that I would do good for me and my family, that if I ever married again it would be for money or commodity, that I would lose all the weight I gained with my pregnancy, that I would be more girly, that I would be everything he wanted me to be the whole time, but I would be all of that for myself, not for him, how he dares try to change me?
didn't become a better person after I left him, I drank myself to sleep every day for 8 months first thing I did at wake up go to the freezer and get my tequila, (what a cliche) and I wouldn't stop drinking till I passed out drunk id still go to work? Of course I did, id take my Irish coffee with me at all times, I overworked never spend time with the kids, or the family at all for that matter, re-encounter with my friend from middle school and started going out with them they kept saying I brought them together and that I was the glue for our friendship, but honestly I wasn't i was a drunk I was so full of shit, that I needed distraction and they did to, I made the good friend the one always avail for them, the supportive one, the one to be trusted, until one day I was the one needing support and i was told that they couldn't be bothered dealing with my depression. Fuck at that point I was contemplating just stop breathing altogether. So how leaving him made me stronger, or happier? It didn't if anything took away the one person to be blamed for all the things I couldn't say or do.
When I was growing up I had this idea of romance that kind of romance that just certain kids movies can make you believe on, I met a boy and I liked this boy, he liked my best friend, and is a girl rule, u cannot like the same boy that your friend like. But nobody will ever understand how much I loved this boy, it was the first time, I really wanted to be pretty and i wanted to be smart and funny, and like any cliche movie I would tease him so much so he wouldn't know I liked him, pages and pages of my journal where use to spell his name and my name and to explain how cute he was and how much I wish my friend wasn't in the middle so I could be with him.
My first boyfriend, we never hold hands we never went on a date or even told anybody, I was in sixth grade so was he, I lived in a different city and id go to his town every weekend to visit my grandma, I stole his hat he kissed me under the rain. I never saw him again.
He was six years older than me, I was only twelve, now I realize how much he most of like me to risk getting into jail just for dating me. I met him at my friends house, she was older but not so much, he wasn't the cutest one, I actually liked his friend for a while, but he already had someone after a while he kept trying to get my attention, and finally did it, I couldn't believe that a real man wanted to be with me, the idea of sex wasn't new for me, of course I was a child and had the intention of stay one, but I knew at some point he would try something and if he got mad at me or not would tell me if he was the one for me. He thought me what those tickles that you feel when you are kissing somebody for a while, made me feel this in my stomach that was never there before, and never not even once tried to do something with me that was more than that, respected me the whole time, I've heard he still remembers me with love as I remember him like the one that taught me what the love should look like and that respect is an important part of any relationship.
And I can continue listing each time that I was in love and how I learned from them but what is the point when all I need to say is.
I was in love before, and I was hurt before too, I never felt one thing without the other, they were always companions, if one came the other one would as well, so I stop looking for it, being in love with love, wasn't exactly the best thing for me, there are more important things to do, I need to teach my child the amazing that life can be, and be there when they get their first broken heart, but love is off the table for me now, we just don't get along, then I go into that game this afternoon, and I met you, changed my life forever, I really didn't want to love you, I really wanted just get to know you, have friends practice my English, I knew it would be helpful someday, couldn't help it, you were and still are everything I always dreamed about. And I cannot thank enough to the life, God, Karma, whoever brought you into my life, i cannot thank enough for it, right after my kids you are the best thing that happens to me.
Taught me how to be selfish and care more about me, how to protect myself and how to have fun with you, show me how being love feels like, made me laugh like a child again, and stop caring about what people said or think, make me remember how is it to be me just me nor a mom, daughter, girlfriend or wife, just me and that is the biggest gift i ever received, and i love you so much for all of this, for letting me by myself and being crazy at times with me.
Being in love then is not the same as being in love now, but sure it prepared me for you, i have a past and might not be the best past might not be the more decent or interesting one, but i promise you that because i was in love before is that i am ready now to be with you and to have a present and a future with you.

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I was in love once before, when i was with him, felt secure, loved, wanted, but i also felt ugly, scared and useless. He could ma...