Monday, April 24, 2017


Trying to find myself inspired i want to write about a couple of my friends with great stories to tell but haven't been able to find the wright angle, so i decide to take a break. Put the music on and suddenly something comes to me just dancing at the rhythm of "Take me to church" i can see myself, dancing for my fiance in the most dirty way i can imagine, then i have an urgency not for his body or mine, not for sex, but to do something so i go to the case of bullets where i keep the pictures of my family, and just trow them in the floor, sit in there with all of them scattered around me, and start choosing the ones, go to the drawer find the silicon gun, pick a spot in the wall and start putting them one by one, pictures of me pregnant, when the twins where born, after the hospital baby pictures everywhere, when i'm going to start putting the ones of us, including the ones where i use to be very skinny, so i may get some inspiration out of see myself like that and maybe pay attention to my diet, when i realize i got no more silicon. so i put the rest of the pictures away for now, and go back to the computer.

I was able to start writing this time about her, talking to my male best friend, and writing I am  not in the zone, but close to it, I say too much and want it to be more than one entry at the time, so i can publish this, is not convincing and definitely not nearly as dramatic as it has to be. 

Change the movie on Netflix and try to find something better, nothing makes me happy, music wont do it now, so i decide to go to sleep, after sending the stupid email, where i pour my feelings out, only to realize  i didn't put the right kind of thought on it, and to wish i could delete it. 

Wake up really early is weird because i didn't went to bed until like four am, but I'm ok with this, get up in underwear go take a piss as every morning a cup of water, i want coffee but don't really want to get dress, and going to the backyard where people can see me from outside in underwear is not the best thing to do. I open the door of my room, and is raining a little bit, although i love rain, i hope it goes away i wanted to do some laundry today. I go back to the bed, to the computer and check my page, OMG i got 100 views in one of my posts! i am so excited right now i wanna tell him, even tho he doesn't give a f*** about my blog, so i text him, he surprisingly congratulates me. 

The promise of a good Sunday is in the air. 

I ask him if would be ok to call him, he says is ok, so i rush to video call him... no answer he says he is playing PS4 so wont be holding the phone and neither of us will be watching the other so is better a normal call, so i call him i don't care just listening to his voice is magic for me. We have a bit of troubles because the mic of my computer doesn't work properly so i go ahead and grab the phone to call him from there, his dad is now home, and he has to get ready for work. The echo of the bit that we were able to talk still sounds in my head i am happy anyway.

My friends are not happy with him, both of them believe i deserve more attention and he mistreats me, they don't understand, i agree not talk to them about him anymore, Sunday you promised to be good! Feel the tear going down my cheek i don't have anybody to talk about my things, he is not as bad as they may believe but it is my fault they feel like that, and yes i wont talk to them about him anymore but why cant i have someone to talk about anything at anytime? 

It just doesn't work like that not for me anyway, for me it means i have to suck it up and grow up and understand that if i am going to accept the way he is, i cant complain about it because i am choosing to stay, and i do believe is worth it just wish i had someone that could understand.

Your profile picture is not longer the same one, you changed it for one with your brother, sister and you and i am happy at least now you can do this, I've been talking to your mom, and i got the cutest baby picture of you, i really hope our babies look like you. I asked her for permission to marry you in the date you choose, she is ok with it, I needed to make sure she will after all the biggest lost was hers and wouldn't want to take anything from her, or without her approval.

Spend most of the day talking to you, your uncle, your mom, going trough pictures and figuring how i will go to the next step with my blog, i really want it to work i really hope my ideas are good enough. I will write about my friends, and about me, I'm sure someone will be interested, and i can only hope our stories are worth something to someone else that can relate and understand they are not alone. 

Headache has been following me for about three hours now. Sunday you didn't kept your promise.

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