I said that to myself everyday for 9 years when i woke up act strong all day for him, the twins, the baby maybe even for me, but is still cried myself to sleep every single night, as soon as he got off me, and fell asleep i would push my face against the pillow and cry until i the tears stop or fell asleep, then one day i found this poem, i still dont know who wrote it but it change me.
"The worst about crying
is that your nose is blocked
or that is night time
and you are scared of being heard
trying to keep it quiet
your soul is drowning
then with your soul drowned
your body sleeps
with irritated hands
and a darkness
pierced in the throat.
At morning your eyes burn
and everything passed
then you cry for joy
or sometimes relief
(that is a little bit better)"
He was the perfect boyfriend, took care of me, would listened and be romantic, it was always avail for me when i needed him, regardless of time or day. Supported me every way he could, when my mother told me i couldn't see him anymore i felt my entire world tremble. I was only 14 but he was the one good thing that i had back then, after everything going so bad for so long. I could not bear the idea of being without him, so i had to find a way to stay with him, and i did... We got married.
During the wedding i was ok with the decision made, it was until the time to sign the papers that my mind kept saying "dont do it!" "you will regret this decision" "even Jako told you not to" "PLEASE DO NOT SIGN" it was already to late i had sign the 4 papers and i was legally married. It was so weird the first time i went to places without telling my parents about it, where i was going or what was i doing, or even when id be back home.
Everything went bad the first time after married that i went to see my mother, took me half hour more than i said it would and he got so mad at me, how do i dare
to take so much time visiting my mother? didn't i hated her and wanted to leave her house, why did i wanted to be with her now? At this point i had no other friends than his friends.
I told myself every day i made a decision wasn't a mistake if i didn't regret it, and i had to do my best to make that decision the best i ever made, and stick to my word of love him forever, is needles to say those where not the right reasons to be with him, specially not to stay for so long.
Tibia, what a stupid game, saved my life. The people i met there the friends that i made, the way they didn't judge me and how they saw me for who i was not a mom, or a wife just me it saved me. Went from crying every night to not sleep at all, or to sleep once my eyes where so tired of the screen, it was my escape my reality where i wanted to be. I am not going to lie, i did feed my kids and have them shower and sleep but i was a crappy mother for a while, the house was dirty almost never did laundry cared more about that virtual reality that i wanted to be mine so bad, because my life was this big mess i didn't know how to fix or make better, until one day i had to stop.
I LOVE MY TWINS SO BAD
I needed somewhere something that it was mine, not to share with them not to have them there, something where i could be just Laura, and Tibia was exactly that, it was where my opinion mattered where people listened to what i had to say and nobody was my responsibility, i would receive so many compliments and have people wanting to be with me and do things with me and take care of me, when in real life it was just yelling at me i wasn't a good mother or wife, i was fat and ugly and didn't took care of the house, have sex every night even when i didn't wanted or pretend that i was sleeping, crying would turn him on even more. Tibia had to stop, but how could i renounce to my happy place where my real life was this bad, it is true other people may had it worst than me, i was maybe just slap a couple times never had my head crack open or any broken rib due the beating, emotionally abused can be as bad.
After years of my mother begging me to leave him, one day i woke up and just knew i didn't love him anymore. But it wasn't until the day the twins told me they wanted me to live in Monterrey and their daddy to live in Montemorelos that i understood this wasn't hurting only me anymore, and only after i got to comprehend this i was able to leave him for good.
I am not depressed and i never have, i am tired of life? YES i am, but not because i do not want to live anymore, or because so much bad shit has happen that is just exhausting to do the most easy thing for most people, i am TIRED of wanting to make my mother happy, after being so ungrateful, my dad proud, after being the biggest disappointment of his life, my kids healthy secure of themselves and raised to be good people, after me myself i'm not sure of how good of a good person i am, wanting to make my fiance happy so he doesn't have to be depressed or anxious anymore, after all he has suffer before meeting me, hoping that i am such a good friend as the ones i currently have, and that they wont leave me like the ones that came before, i am tired of trying to be everything everyone need, but specially i am tired of FAILING AT IT.
I just want to find the balance so i can be the person i really want to be, and then be able to make all the people i care about understand how much i care and love them, and maybe then i would be able to more than understand feel the love that i know they have for me.