Tuesday, August 1, 2017

I was in love once before, when i was with him, felt secure, loved, wanted, but i also felt ugly, scared and useless.
He could make my day go smooth one day, and the next make it last a year, he made me feel i was flying in the sky only to drawn me into the deepest sea, gave me the happiest day of my life only to turn it into the most dirty transaction, understood where i was coming from and where i was heading, only to stop me even worst didn't accepted who i was and made me change the best things about me, only to yell at me later that i wasn't the person he fell for.
Made me a woman and then cheated on me making me feel like a little girl again, made me a wife and got mad at me cause i wasn't the perfect Donna Reed he wanted me to be.
Promised it would never hurt me, but nobody ever hurt me more, he learned how I was the way I move when i lie, and what make me smile, he learned the things I loved and the ones I hated, he made me grow to be the person I am today, didn't know lust until I met that boy, didn't knew  that "butterflies revolving in my stomach" feeling until I met that boy, I was fearless when I met him, When I marry that boy, I learned what abuse, regrets and mistakes actually are then I learned how it feels when you are being brainwashed and how it feels when somebody takes everything that makes you be you, and turns it into something bad that you have to absolutely get rid off, cause that person is not good enough, learned that I wasn't smart, or pretty or witty and even more that I didn't deserve anything that I had, I met with a hunger that I never had before and a craving that i never expected to crave.
Nothing that I did was ever good enough.
But hey he wasn't a bad guy after all, he saved me, he gave me light when I thought id never see it again, I didn't stop loving him cause of the abuse or the cheating, I only stop loving him when I learned to love myself first, when I had the courage to see why he was so scared of me knowing how great I was and how much of a better person, then I stop loving him.
I promised myself id never love again like that, I told myself it will always love me first so I can love you, i promised to myself that I would do good for me and my family, that if I ever married again it would be for money or commodity, that I would lose all the weight I gained with my pregnancy, that I would be more girly, that I would be everything he wanted me to be the whole time, but I would be all of that for myself, not for him, how he dares try to change me?
didn't become a better person after I left him, I drank myself to sleep every day for 8 months first thing I did at wake up go to the freezer and get my tequila, (what a cliche) and I wouldn't stop drinking till I passed out drunk id still go to work? Of course I did, id take my Irish coffee with me at all times, I overworked never spend time with the kids, or the family at all for that matter, re-encounter with my friend from middle school and started going out with them they kept saying I brought them together and that I was the glue for our friendship, but honestly I wasn't i was a drunk I was so full of shit, that I needed distraction and they did to, I made the good friend the one always avail for them, the supportive one, the one to be trusted, until one day I was the one needing support and i was told that they couldn't be bothered dealing with my depression. Fuck at that point I was contemplating just stop breathing altogether. So how leaving him made me stronger, or happier? It didn't if anything took away the one person to be blamed for all the things I couldn't say or do.
When I was growing up I had this idea of romance that kind of romance that just certain kids movies can make you believe on, I met a boy and I liked this boy, he liked my best friend, and is a girl rule, u cannot like the same boy that your friend like. But nobody will ever understand how much I loved this boy, it was the first time, I really wanted to be pretty and i wanted to be smart and funny, and like any cliche movie I would tease him so much so he wouldn't know I liked him, pages and pages of my journal where use to spell his name and my name and to explain how cute he was and how much I wish my friend wasn't in the middle so I could be with him.
My first boyfriend, we never hold hands we never went on a date or even told anybody, I was in sixth grade so was he, I lived in a different city and id go to his town every weekend to visit my grandma, I stole his hat he kissed me under the rain. I never saw him again.
He was six years older than me, I was only twelve, now I realize how much he most of like me to risk getting into jail just for dating me. I met him at my friends house, she was older but not so much, he wasn't the cutest one, I actually liked his friend for a while, but he already had someone after a while he kept trying to get my attention, and finally did it, I couldn't believe that a real man wanted to be with me, the idea of sex wasn't new for me, of course I was a child and had the intention of stay one, but I knew at some point he would try something and if he got mad at me or not would tell me if he was the one for me. He thought me what those tickles that you feel when you are kissing somebody for a while, made me feel this in my stomach that was never there before, and never not even once tried to do something with me that was more than that, respected me the whole time, I've heard he still remembers me with love as I remember him like the one that taught me what the love should look like and that respect is an important part of any relationship.
And I can continue listing each time that I was in love and how I learned from them but what is the point when all I need to say is.
I was in love before, and I was hurt before too, I never felt one thing without the other, they were always companions, if one came the other one would as well, so I stop looking for it, being in love with love, wasn't exactly the best thing for me, there are more important things to do, I need to teach my child the amazing that life can be, and be there when they get their first broken heart, but love is off the table for me now, we just don't get along, then I go into that game this afternoon, and I met you, changed my life forever, I really didn't want to love you, I really wanted just get to know you, have friends practice my English, I knew it would be helpful someday, couldn't help it, you were and still are everything I always dreamed about. And I cannot thank enough to the life, God, Karma, whoever brought you into my life, i cannot thank enough for it, right after my kids you are the best thing that happens to me.
Taught me how to be selfish and care more about me, how to protect myself and how to have fun with you, show me how being love feels like, made me laugh like a child again, and stop caring about what people said or think, make me remember how is it to be me just me nor a mom, daughter, girlfriend or wife, just me and that is the biggest gift i ever received, and i love you so much for all of this, for letting me by myself and being crazy at times with me.
Being in love then is not the same as being in love now, but sure it prepared me for you, i have a past and might not be the best past might not be the more decent or interesting one, but i promise you that because i was in love before is that i am ready now to be with you and to have a present and a future with you.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

he wasn't a tyran, she wasn't a door mat

It was during the struggle of not having money to feed the kids, and not being able to clothe them that it was the most difficult times for them, a good marriage is suppose to survive the bad to enjoy the good, they didn't.

Its not that it wasn't a good marriage, it wasn't lack of love, definitely not lack of sex or communication, felt more like it wasn't meant to be, the more they fought for it, the further apart they drift from each other.

After all the fights that came with the lack of money and the cheating from his side, her heart was weak and day b day going weaker, she didn't loved him anymore, but was too scared to leave, the idea of been alone terrified her. Even more than staying with him. the abuse wasn't too bad, “I’m sure there is who has it worst than me, i earn that slap, i shouldn't have put so much salt on the food, i shouldn't have talk back at him”, she said while cleaning herself, would look at herself in the mirror only to find an empty pair of eyes that she didn't even knew anymore. And while lying in bed the man sleeping next to her wasn't anymore the one she fell in love with, not so long ago.

They were teenagers when they met and fell for each other, her family wasn't happy about it, and they decided to marry so they couldn't even separate them. What a joke, they were just kids living a fantasy, and even if she doesn't call it a mistake, she falls sleep thinking about how her life would of turn out every single day.

How often someone stays in a marriage, because of the kids, because you want to love that person again, or simply because you are use to that person and dont want to lose  that. NEVER a good idea, You have to LOVE yourself first always, and a marriage that doesn't make you happy will not make you happy next year, specially if you are the only one doing the efforts and trying to make things better.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

My ring.

i left the house this morning, brushed my hair in the car, and tie the laces of my shoes while waiting for the bus, it was until i was doing nothing sitting in the bus that i realize it was gone.

Took my ring the night before to wash a shirt for kid uniform, but while doing so i was so sleepy went straight to bed, and forgot to put it back on, next morning before taking my shower i realize was gone, but forgot to put it back before leaving the house. Needless to say i felt naked all day.

It is not anymore about what the ring represents itself, is more like an extension of you but on me, hard to explain, but the feeling is there, the memory, every time i see it sitting in my finger i think of what you say, when i took it from that Christmas tree and opened the box, "Now you belong to me" i smile and went to the couch so i could kiss your pink smiley face.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

The black jew.

-He is a Jew

-No he is not,

-Yes he is he told me

-hell he also said he was black and I just see him "prieto"

-and he is 24

-nah have you seen him? At least 27.

I made a bet with Marie and Jerry, ask the trainer to go to the bathroom and instead looked for you.

-let me see your ID


-c'mon I need to see it~made a pouty voice and face~

- I am 24 you don't need my ID

-YES! I do let me see it.

-what is on it for me?

- you will be making me happy?

- no really what's on it for me?

- I may do something you want that is not nasty?

- ok

he handed the ID in fact he is 24 years old, his last name "Cortez" sounds very Spanish I point and ask.

-didn't you say you were a "jew"

-YES I am

- your last name doesn't agree.

(After the world war 2 the Jews that came to Mexico as refugees took names that ended in es and change the end to ez first to disguise along Mexicans second to still be able to identify themselves with other family's" he explains.)

-ok I am not satisfied nor I believe you but I've got to go.

Back at training room I confirm he is 24 and Jew, I still have my doubts but as the good friend I am I accept it since now I have new ideas to "bully" him.

At lunch time I am just talking about the so many ways you are not a jew listing them as for the regular clitches.

-your nose is not big enough, don't have curly hair, your beard is short, you don't wear the tiny hat, you are poor as fuck, don't speak Hebrew, you are a God damn regular Mexican I say.

-it is because from my mother side we are descendant of black slaves.

- yup definitely average Mexican (being that Mexicans are mix of Spanish with the Indians that where here when they came)

-no I am black from the waist down. (You said winking)

-your away, you most have a tiny one.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

The brunnete

I was taking calls as usually when I saw you standing next to me, with a blank face you didn't looked like crying but I felt you were about made a gesture of give me one minute, placed myself in after call and finished my call.
-what is wrong?
-my wife has "brown hair" 
- yah, she uses dye but keeps coming back, the hair stylist says she might be brunnete for good
Logged out of the avaya and went to the living
-Kimmy knows? How long? Which type of brunette? Will you divorce after this? 
 I hugged you and asked what would you do I was almost speechless at this point. 
-I don't know I can't divorce her like this, would be humiliatingfor her, and she is the mother of my child!
-you can absolutely divorce her if that is what will make you happy, I know is easy to say, hard to hear and impossible to do, but is not good for her you or the kid to stay together if y'all don't love each other, just support her with her condition maybe look for another expert.
-yes I know but I don't know what to do all the women in my life, have bad shit happen to them. 

Your mom never lost the baby fat and your wife turned out to be brunette 

-could be worst, she could of turn out to be vegan or enjoy CrossFit.
Your laughter between tears and the worried face you had told me you needed  his and to not leave you alone.

The three of us left at 3 pm that day.

You guys were so amazed of the way I lied to my mother, and you yes you were shocked when I told my mother "yah his wife is brunette and he can't divorce her now. "

Her answer was same as mine.

-now I understand why you are the way you are.

You were a drunken virgin, and Kimmy and i could not leave you like that, not in a day like this!
Went to the store bought beer, i didn't drink, you both did,(today is the day day you swear, you weren't drunk, and i dont think it really matters). I am not sure who decided it was hungry, so you guys went to the store to buy bread while i cooked the hamburger. Apparently Kimmy forgot how to run, in the way back home, (i was just a bit tipsy she says)
-Lets see who get there first!
-No, Kimmy...

Yes she fell at the middle of the road, with NOTHING on her way that may have caused the fall, nothing to stubble upon, nothing to trip with. When Raed ran to help her get up, his ankle said "back off bastard" as he felt how it sprained. He limped for a month but AGAIN he wasn't drunk.

So much for nothing she left you that night.

Monday, May 15, 2017


My favorite songs are always whore related, weird because I get easily offended by genres that sing about them, but my favorite songs are not as explicit is more like disguise inside the poetry of said songs so much that if you don't pay attention you miss it.

Words like " that if the son of a God once he saw her it went with her" make u think of everything but a whore, and talks about Mary Magdalene.

Melody that takes you to a sweet place to listen this love song talking about the teacher having sex with a student, or fairies at night, witches a day, that's pure art.

Thursday, May 11, 2017


Some days is just too much, others i am empty.

First thing I usually do when I wake up would be grab my phone and look for messages from my fiance, usually there is none. Which in most occasions makes me sad, others I feel nothing.

When there is a message, it always makes​ my day.

I use to say I loved him too much, "if you think you love me too much, then you don't love me at all" he would say back at me. I still believe that, just don't say it anymore.

I decided not to message him until he messages me, every time I do that, there he is in the first 24 hrs always makes the rest of my week.

I'm told that I am wrong because I base my happiness in somebody else, I believe as long as I base it in the people I love and loves me back it is not wrong is optimistic.

When I think about the times when I needed somebody the most, they usually weren't there, to be fare I never asked them to be there.

Married at 15 never had the chance to get to know myself what I like and what I don't. Still empty at 27 trying to figure out what I want and what I don't, what I am good at, I do know what I suck at.

Is on of those things that backfire at you when make hard decisions as a teen, because you never all the things that you need to do. Like music, movies, angry drawings/writing. You miss out going trough the phases. Emo, country, rock, pothead, skater, popular, underdog, jog, artist, miss out on the most beautiful part of you, the only time in your life when it will be ok to be selfish, rant and whine and simply make mistakes just because you are young and still learning. So somebody lets you make the decision of having a baby or get married and automatically already skipped that place and time and have to grow up work and take care of a house and a men, babies if you are the woman. As for men you go from having mom doing everything for you to take care of the expenses and support of other people. Yes can't be selfish anymore. There is now somebody that you have to take care of, regardless of how tired you are.

I was in love once before, when i was with him, felt secure, loved, wanted, but i also felt ugly, scared and useless. He could ma...