Tuesday, August 1, 2017
Sunday, July 2, 2017
It was during the struggle of not having money to feed the kids, and not being able to clothe them that it was the most difficult times for them, a good marriage is suppose to survive the bad to enjoy the good, they didn't.
Its not that it wasn't a good marriage, it wasn't lack of love, definitely not lack of sex or communication, felt more like it wasn't meant to be, the more they fought for it, the further apart they drift from each other.
After all the fights that came with the lack of money and the cheating from his side, her heart was weak and day b day going weaker, she didn't loved him anymore, but was too scared to leave, the idea of been alone terrified her. Even more than staying with him. the abuse wasn't too bad, “I’m sure there is who has it worst than me, i earn that slap, i shouldn't have put so much salt on the food, i shouldn't have talk back at him”, she said while cleaning herself, would look at herself in the mirror only to find an empty pair of eyes that she didn't even knew anymore. And while lying in bed the man sleeping next to her wasn't anymore the one she fell in love with, not so long ago.
They were teenagers when they met and fell for each other, her family wasn't happy about it, and they decided to marry so they couldn't even separate them. What a joke, they were just kids living a fantasy, and even if she doesn't call it a mistake, she falls sleep thinking about how her life would of turn out every single day.
How often someone stays in a marriage, because of the kids, because you want to love that person again, or simply because you are use to that person and dont want to lose that. NEVER a good idea, You have to LOVE yourself first always, and a marriage that doesn't make you happy will not make you happy next year, specially if you are the only one doing the efforts and trying to make things better.
Thursday, May 25, 2017
Took my ring the night before to wash a shirt for kid uniform, but while doing so i was so sleepy went straight to bed, and forgot to put it back on, next morning before taking my shower i realize was gone, but forgot to put it back before leaving the house. Needless to say i felt naked all day.
It is not anymore about what the ring represents itself, is more like an extension of you but on me, hard to explain, but the feeling is there, the memory, every time i see it sitting in my finger i think of what you say, when i took it from that Christmas tree and opened the box, "Now you belong to me" i smile and went to the couch so i could kiss your pink smiley face.
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
-No he is not,
-Yes he is he told me
-hell he also said he was black and I just see him "prieto"
-and he is 24
-nah have you seen him? At least 27.
I made a bet with Marie and Jerry, ask the trainer to go to the bathroom and instead looked for you.
-let me see your ID
-c'mon I need to see it~made a pouty voice and face~
- I am 24 you don't need my ID
-YES! I do let me see it.
-what is on it for me?
- you will be making me happy?
- no really what's on it for me?
- I may do something you want that is not nasty?
he handed the ID in fact he is 24 years old, his last name "Cortez" sounds very Spanish I point and ask.
-didn't you say you were a "jew"
-YES I am
- your last name doesn't agree.
(After the world war 2 the Jews that came to Mexico as refugees took names that ended in es and change the end to ez first to disguise along Mexicans second to still be able to identify themselves with other family's" he explains.)
-ok I am not satisfied nor I believe you but I've got to go.
Back at training room I confirm he is 24 and Jew, I still have my doubts but as the good friend I am I accept it since now I have new ideas to "bully" him.
At lunch time I am just talking about the so many ways you are not a jew listing them as for the regular clitches.
-your nose is not big enough, don't have curly hair, your beard is short, you don't wear the tiny hat, you are poor as fuck, don't speak Hebrew, you are a God damn regular Mexican I say.
-it is because from my mother side we are descendant of black slaves.
- yup definitely average Mexican (being that Mexicans are mix of Spanish with the Indians that where here when they came)
-no I am black from the waist down. (You said winking)
-your away, you most have a tiny one.
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
You were a drunken virgin, and Kimmy and i could not leave you like that, not in a day like this!
Went to the store bought beer, i didn't drink, you both did,(today is the day day you swear, you weren't drunk, and i dont think it really matters). I am not sure who decided it was hungry, so you guys went to the store to buy bread while i cooked the hamburger. Apparently Kimmy forgot how to run, in the way back home, (i was just a bit tipsy she says)
-Lets see who get there first!
Yes she fell at the middle of the road, with NOTHING on her way that may have caused the fall, nothing to stubble upon, nothing to trip with. When Raed ran to help her get up, his ankle said "back off bastard" as he felt how it sprained. He limped for a month but AGAIN he wasn't drunk.
Monday, May 15, 2017
My favorite songs are always whore related, weird because I get easily offended by genres that sing about them, but my favorite songs are not as explicit is more like disguise inside the poetry of said songs so much that if you don't pay attention you miss it.
Words like " that if the son of a God once he saw her it went with her" make u think of everything but a whore, and talks about Mary Magdalene.
Melody that takes you to a sweet place to listen this love song talking about the teacher having sex with a student, or fairies at night, witches a day, that's pure art.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Some days is just too much, others i am empty.
First thing I usually do when I wake up would be grab my phone and look for messages from my fiance, usually there is none. Which in most occasions makes me sad, others I feel nothing.
When there is a message, it always makes my day.
I use to say I loved him too much, "if you think you love me too much, then you don't love me at all" he would say back at me. I still believe that, just don't say it anymore.
I decided not to message him until he messages me, every time I do that, there he is in the first 24 hrs always makes the rest of my week.
I'm told that I am wrong because I base my happiness in somebody else, I believe as long as I base it in the people I love and loves me back it is not wrong is optimistic.
When I think about the times when I needed somebody the most, they usually weren't there, to be fare I never asked them to be there.
Married at 15 never had the chance to get to know myself what I like and what I don't. Still empty at 27 trying to figure out what I want and what I don't, what I am good at, I do know what I suck at.
Is on of those things that backfire at you when make hard decisions as a teen, because you never all the things that you need to do. Like music, movies, angry drawings/writing. You miss out going trough the phases. Emo, country, rock, pothead, skater, popular, underdog, jog, artist, miss out on the most beautiful part of you, the only time in your life when it will be ok to be selfish, rant and whine and simply make mistakes just because you are young and still learning. So somebody lets you make the decision of having a baby or get married and automatically already skipped that place and time and have to grow up work and take care of a house and a men, babies if you are the woman. As for men you go from having mom doing everything for you to take care of the expenses and support of other people. Yes can't be selfish anymore. There is now somebody that you have to take care of, regardless of how tired you are.
I was in love once before, when i was with him, felt secure, loved, wanted, but i also felt ugly, scared and useless. He could ma...