Empty

Some days is just too much, others i am empty.

First thing I usually do when I wake up would be grab my phone and look for messages from my fiance, usually there is none. Which in most occasions makes me sad, others I feel nothing.

When there is a message, it always makes​ my day.

I use to say I loved him too much, "if you think you love me too much, then you don't love me at all" he would say back at me. I still believe that, just don't say it anymore.

I decided not to message him until he messages me, every time I do that, there he is in the first 24 hrs always makes the rest of my week.

I'm told that I am wrong because I base my happiness in somebody else, I believe as long as I base it in the people I love and loves me back it is not wrong is optimistic.

When I think about the times when I needed somebody the most, they usually weren't there, to be fare I never asked them to be there.

Married at 15 never had the chance to get to know myself what I like and what I don't. Still empty at 27 trying to figure out what I want and what I don't, what I am good at, I do know what I suck at.

Is on of those things that backfire at you when make hard decisions as a teen, because you never all the things that you need to do. Like music, movies, angry drawings/writing. You miss out going trough the phases. Emo, country, rock, pothead, skater, popular, underdog, jog, artist, miss out on the most beautiful part of you, the only time in your life when it will be ok to be selfish, rant and whine and simply make mistakes just because you are young and still learning. So somebody lets you make the decision of having a baby or get married and automatically already skipped that place and time and have to grow up work and take care of a house and a men, babies if you are the woman. As for men you go from having mom doing everything for you to take care of the expenses and support of other people. Yes can't be selfish anymore. There is now somebody that you have to take care of, regardless of how tired you are.